I have two grandmas. They are the coolest grandmas ever. They’re almost 93 and almost 90. (I like to round up to make them seem even older and wiser than they really are.)
They both taught me lots and lots of good stuff, and I love ’em a whole, whole bunch.
But sometimes grandmas say and do funny things.
My almost-93-year-old grandma has had a couple of recent humorous moments. (My mom is probably groaning as she reads this. She knows what stories are coming. She’s probably saying “Laur-raaaa! Why would you write that?!”)
My First Grandma Story
I went to my grandma’s apartment for a brief visit a couple weeks ago. She gave me two chocolate chip cookies. Cookies from grandma’s house will always taste better than any other cookies in the world. They’re made with grandma love.
Grandma had Betty White’s new book on a table in her living room.
Grandma: “I just finished reading this biopsy about Betty White. The first half wasn’t that good, but I enjoyed the second half of the biopsy.”
Grandma thinks for a minute.
Grandma: “Wait. That wasn’t right. BIOGRAPHY! That’s what it is. Not a biopsy. I don’t know how to read those.”
This was immediately followed by grandma saying, “Now don’t you tell anyone I said that!”
Oops. It was shared out of love. And the fact that she doesn’t read this blog.
My Second Grandma Story
Grandma asked Mom to buy her some new underwear. Grandma provided very explicit instructions — the new underwear HAD to be a size 10 cotton brief. (She also told Mom not to get her “those string things that Laura wears.” Guess Grandma doesn’t want a thong. Too bad. I hear those are very popular in the 90-year-old crowd.)
I met my mom after she purchased the size 10 cotton briefs. Grandma had told her a sales clerk might try to get her to purchase smaller underwear, but she should resist any such suggestion and stick with size 10 cotton briefs.
Now, my grandma isn’t a large woman. Actually, we’re about the same height. Granted, she started out taller and has shrunk over the years — but this is irrelevant when buying underwear. If she wants roomy undies, she probably needs a woman’s size medium or large. A size 10 is equivalent to a XXXL.
Mom giggled as she showed me the underwear. They were definitely large. We agreed that Grandma probably shouldn’t wear those underwear with a dress, or, if she did, she should make sure the undies were belted.
Mom delivered the underwear to Grandma. After seeing her beloved size 10 cotton briefs, Grandma asked Mom to return them and exchange them for a size 8.
I called Grandma a couple days later. Some grandmas might begin a conversation with “hi, honey” or “so good to hear from you.” My grandma heard my voice and said, “I was wondering when you were going to call to laugh at my underwear.”
Have I mentioned how much I love my grandma? Lots.