Sometimes I accidentally create a toxic cloud in my kitchen.
Considering the hours I spend watching The Food Network, you’d think I’d know better. I don’t. I probably shouldn’t even be left alone in the kitchen. I’m a danger to society.
Or, maybe this is just a good reminder to buy a fire extinguisher. I think I went to the hardware store a couple years ago intending to purchase one. However, I think I got distracted and wound up purchasing something that seemed more exciting at the time. The “more exciting” object may have been shiny.
The toxic cloud started with tofu. I put the tofu in a pan and turned on a burner. I assumed I’d turned on the burner under the pan.
I then grabbed a little plastic bottle of red pepper flakes to season my tofu. I like to add spice to my life. Red pepper flakes do this for me.
I set the little plastic bottle on the stove top next to the pan.
I turned my back for an instant. Then, I smelled something funky. I turned around to see a smoking plastic bottle of red pepper flakes.
Oh, yes. I hadn’t turned on the burner under the tofu. I turned on the burner next to the tofu — the burner under the plastic bottle of red pepper flakes.
By this time, the bottom of the pepper flake bottle was gone, and flakes were flaming on the burner. I picked up the bottle and threw it outside. Then, I re-entered the toxic area.
I’m pretty sure I took years off my life. The smell of burning plastic and peppers was insanely potent. My lungs were completely violated.
Around this time, my roommate made the mistake of entering the kitchen. Her lungs were also violated.
We then ran outside and hacked up small portions of our lungs. Any neighbors looking out the window should have been concerned. Or at least mildly intrigued.
The good news is the toxic cloud of pepper-plastic didn’t kill me. I’m still here. But if I have another burner mishap, I’m going to become a raw foodie. My stove may be plotting against me.
In other news, The Biggest Loser continues to be a source of great quotes. Contestants on the show recently said the following:
“I have a new leash on life.” — Really? Leash? Ug.
“My life was literally turned upside down.” — Literally? Ow. That must hurt. Might I suggest a helmet?