My roommate was watching The Bachelor tonight. I hate to see people watch reality tv alone, so I joined her.
I’ve determined it could be fun to be on The Bachelor. However, my reasons for wanting to use The Bachelor as my reality tv debut probably wouldn’t be approved by ABC. So, ABC, feel free to discard my application.
If my application DOES manage to slip through the cracks, here’s what I’d like to do:
1. Take full advantage of the free food and many cocktails.
2. Roll my eyes at nearly every statement made by Chris Harrison.
3. Refuse to wear make-up in an attempt to “let him see the real me.”
4. Decline a date to watch another reality tv show — (“I’d love to go skydiving in the most romantic location ever, but I can’t…Survivor is on tonight.”)
5. Correct the grammar of others on the show. (Really — nothing kills the mood more than an incorrect adverb.)
6. If offered a rose, decline it with the excuse “it’s not you, it’s me.”
7. If not offered a rose, grab someone else’s rose and throw petals at the bachelor.
8. Make a poop joke during a serious, secluded relationship conversation.
9. Gasp and exclaim, “This is the most shocking event in the history of The Bachelor!” whenever possible.
10. Be on a continued quest to uncover “the person who isn’t really single but wanted to be on The Bachelor for the sole reason of self-promotion.” There’s one on every season. I’m sure I could sniff her out.